One-time professional cyclist and Dasani Water and FRS Energy Drink spokesman Lance Armstrong visited Calgary, Alberta on Thursday, September 8th, 2011 to participate in a charity ride for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation.
Armstrong leads his followers through the desert to the promised land. (Photo by Ted Rhodes, Calgary Herald)
Armstrong captivated the Canadian crowd with many parables from his experiences in the pro peloton during their 40-hour trek through the desert on the outskirts of the city limits.
Among these feats of amazement, Armstrong described facing down the temptations of Cancer and refusing to give up his anti-Cancer message. He recounted how he prevailed over the demon Cancer despite being challenged to turn stones into PowerBars, to thrust himself off the Highwood Pass Peak to allow his Livestrong angels Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen to catch him falling, and to resist the promises of vast riches and dominion over the earth as reward if he worshipped Cancer and its throne of evilness.
After completing their pilgrimage trek on Treks, Armstrong began his sermon on Mount Royal, disseminating his anti-Cancer message to the masses gathered to hear his words of wisdom, and to be healed by the slightest touch of his yellow Nike cloaks.
However, there were those who doubted the Son of the Bruyneel god, and Armstrong was dismayed.
“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,” decreed Armstrong. All fell silent. Several in the audience stood up to begin the stoning, only to be removed by Livestrong security forces.
As the evening progressed, and the crowd was fully engaged by the tales told by both Liggett and Sherwen, one of Armstrong’s disciples turned to him in panic and fear.
“We have run out of beer, my Lord,” said the frantic disciple.
“Fear not, my child, for I will turn water into Michelob Ultra,” declared Armstrong with emphasis.
Those in Calgary watched in wonder and amazement as Armstrong did in fact turn water into beer, further cementing the anti-Cancer savior as the second coming for Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company.
Armstrong’s next appearance will most likely be a command performance in a Los Angeles courtroom, where he will be tried for crimes against the Empire.
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