UCI Disappointed with Bronze Medal at Corruption Olympics

The champion of the 2011 Corruption Olympics was crowned today, but much to the disappointment of the Union Cycliste International (UCI), the gold medal went to Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA).

Hein Verbruggen, COC head, presides over the medal decision

“With our Global Cycling Promotion angle, we thought we were a lock for the gold medal this year,” stated a disappointed Enrico Carpani, spokesman for the UCI, referring to the recently-released news report highlighting how professional cycling team “donations” to the UCI were used by the organization to set up a separate profit-making entity to create new races for the sport of cycling.

Unfortunately for the UCI, the Corruption Olympic Committee (COC) awarded the gold to FIFA for their Sepp Blatter controversy, forever to be known as “Blind Eye Blatter” by the members of COC.

The silver medal went to the IOC for nothing in particular, but rather for “business as usual,” according to the president of COC, Hein Verbruggen, who also is a current member of the IOC, current president-for-life of SportAccord, and former president of the UCI.

When asked if his COC decisions on the podium placings were in themselves corrupt, Verbruggen referred the query to his legal council, which declined any additional comments due to ongoing lawsuits, court cases, and “trials of the public theatre.”

Carpani vowed that the UCI would contest the medal placement. “Our duplicitous dealings with the professional peloton in reference to the Tour of Beijing, the Biological Passport Program, license fees, race radios, plus our manipulation of the usage of the funds associated with all of these should have given us the gold medal for corruption. We’ll continue to bite down hard on COC for their decision.”

Verbruggen did counter after being pressed on the decision, and being made aware of Carpani’s comments, stated that the UCI’s corruption overall was “outstanding,” but they failed to distinguish themselves with one shining moment of corruption.

“They [UCI] failed to give us one outstanding event of corruption. Their pattern of corruption and deceit still does not meet the “business as usual” level of the IOC. Therefore, they couldn’t match IOC for the silver, let alone FIFA for the gold. COC will slap down this attempt to usurp our final decision,” concluded Verbruggen.