Amgen Tour of California organizers put pee problem out to pasture

After an mildly uneventful first day of the Amgen Tour of California which saw Liquigas-Cannondale rider Peter Sagan backstroke to his stage one victory, the race organizer was forced to act quickly to prevent the arrest of the entire peloton.

AEG purchased eight mobile pee units to keep pro peloton out of trouble.

“The Pee Problem” reared its ugly head once again on Sunday during the first stage, when several individuals, identified only as “swarthy European types,” were caught relieving themselves on a California Highway Patrol truck stationed to protect the public against attack by “lycra-clad men on two-wheeled weapons of mass destruction.” There were also reports of massive complaints from the general public – two to be exact – about being “flashed” by the peloton as they relieved themselves on the go.

“We are doing our best to meld the European cycling tradition of pee breaks with ‘peeing on the go.’ Due to California’s restrictive nudity and human waste disposal laws, we have been forced to make a substantial contribution to several key politicians’ election campaign PACs to prevent the entire peloton’s incarceration,” declared the press release from AEG Worldwide.

AEG Worldwide has diverted money from the dope-testing funds to purchase eight mobile urinal units, which will allow the cyclists to dismount, pee, and head back out on the road. The only drawback to the plan is the queueing for the mobile units, which may add an additional 45 minutes to each stage. AEG has proposed the athletes pee in shifts – alphabetically by team with three teams peeing at the same time – in order to reduce the potential lag time on stage finishes.

The peloton offered a group reaction via AToC designated patron, Robbie McEwen, soon to be retiring from active WorldTour duty.

“We in the pro peloton love California. We love the one or two fans who make it out on the roadside to cheer us on, and most importantly, we love the high-speed internet, lavish hotels, nightly wine tastings, and humongous food portions.  We’re happy to comply with this urinal issue in order to ensure we continue to be spoilt rotten at this race year after year. Has anyone seen the AEG-branded Volkswagen convertible I was gifted?” were McEwen’s comments on the matter.

In spite of all the attempts to smooth over the situation, Department of Homeland Security has still placed several “swarthy Euros” on their watch list, as public urination is a sign of potential terrorist activity.

Representatives from the UCI were unavailable for comment, as the entire management team was in Azerbaijan in order to be present at an oil and gas deal signed by Itera’s Igor Makarov, and to attend the Tour of Azerbaijan for a few photo opportunities.

Stage two of the Amgen Tour of California continues Monday.