A recent study commissioned by the Livestrong organization has shown that the United States Anti-Doping Agency can cause cancer. The results of the report were released earlier today by former Armstrong mouthpiece Mark Fabiani. The study also found that the anti-doping agency’s “antics” decrease “cancer awareness.”
Lance Armstrong hard at work tweeting important “research updates” to his fans
The study goes on to give advice on how to avoid this “heinous, unconstitutional and highly carcinogenic” drug testing agency.
“The best way to prevent contracting cancer from the USADA is to ignore it, just pretend it doesn’t exist. For some people this may be difficult, particularly if you have brain cells and are able to weigh up facts when they are presented to you.”
“There are several ways to avoid the USADA, the most failsafe method being to place one’s head in a hole in some sand. Other methods include blind patriotism, a full-frontal lobotomy, and (bizarrely) a belief in Chris Carmichael’s extra-high cadence cycle training techniques as a legitimate explanation for substantial performance enhancement.”
The report goes on to outline “at-risk groups” such as cycling fans, Wall Street Journal readers, foreigners, “people that don’t believe in miracles,” and Paul Kimmage.
“The USADA’s respect and influence needs emasculating and fast, all for the good of cancer awareness and prevention. For now Livestrong is doing all it can by hiring private investigators to stalk the members of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, who, incidentally are definitely bad people and possibly even Communist.”
Fabiani then closed with the following:
“If you only take one thing home from this public health and safety announcement today it’s that the USADA is bad and that cancer is bad, therefore they are basically the same thing, thanks.”
No Comments