Roberto Ferrari goes into the Venezuelan witness protection program

The sprint finish to Stage 3 of the Giro d’Italia was marred by the actions of Roberto Ferrari, sprinter for Androni Giocattoli-Venezuela, when the Italian managed to take out not only Team Sky über sprinter and World Champion Mark Cavendish, but also the Maglia Rosa in the form of Taylor Phinney from Team BMC.

Cavendish is taken out by the irregular sprinting of Roberto Ferrari (photo courtesy @UCI_Overlord)

Ferrari was, at first, completely unaware of the kerfuffle he caused, continuing to finish the sprint and then leaving the scene of the crime like a newspaper delivery truck clipping a London bike commuter.

When asked about what happened during the stage, Ferrari responded with, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked about what he had to say about being relegated for his highly irregular sprinting, Ferrari replied, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked whether or not the Kennedy assasination conspiracy theory had validity or not, Ferrari replied, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked if he felt Liz Hatch was one of the hottest women related to the sport of cycling, Ferrari replied, “Absolutely. She has one of the best cycling figures in the sport. Plus she knows how to handle herself on a bike. Who wouldn’t think this is attractive, no?”

Team owner Gianni Savio moved in quickly to protect his star sprinter, as pitchforks and bonfires surrounded the Androni team bus. With a contingent of unruly Team Sky punters holding an effigy of Ferrari – concocted very quickly, as only English punters can do on short notice – Savio was forced to announce this declaration to soothe the unruly crowd:

“After numerous threats to the well-being of Roberto Ferrari due to his actions, which have been declared an act of ‘terrorism’ by the U.S. Department of Homeland security based upon his alleged attack on Taylor Phinney, and at the request of the UK Home Secretary to have Ferrari extradited to England as an enemy of the state for actions against Mark Cavendish, we felt it was best for Roberto to go into hiding in Venezuela,” relayed a sullen Savio.

Details were sketchy at press time, but according to sources inside the Androni team, Venezuelan presidente-for-life Hugo Chavez made the phone call to Savio, as a sponsor of the team, to offer his protection against the ‘Imperialist Anglo Empire’ on behalf of Ferrari.  It is, however, unconfirmed if this sprinter protection program will be commencing right away or later on during the Giro.

Tonight the riders begin the long 1600 km trek back to Italy for stage four. It remains to be seen if Ferrari will be making the transfer with the other riders.