UCI TotalitarianTour™ for 2013

Since my regretful comments to cyclingnews.com editor Daniel Benson this past fall, and my subsequent retraction of the same this week, I felt it was time the UCI to come clean on its plans for a “Shadow Tour” for 2013.

I meet with the Belarusian dictator to discuss terms of the Minsk race which replaces Paris-Roubaix in the TotalitarianTour™ (photo courtesy of Belarusian News Agency Belta)

You see, we’re still smarting over the fact RCS, ASO, and other race organisers haven’t given us our full cut of their profits. It’s maddening really, after all we do for the sport of cycling to promote it for everyone. And I do mean everyone. And by everyone I mean my family, my friends, and Hein’s inner sanctum of cronies.

So, in response to the breakaway league bullshite being lobbed around by some gifted pricks who have gained the confidence of 8 of the 18 WorldTour teams, our circle of Global Cycling Promotion cronies blew 500,000 CHF in Monaco to finalise our plans for world cycling domination. Sure, we already dominate cycling in many ways – from lawyer tabs, socks, frames, and saddles to urination, blood collection, and random prank phone calls to Robert Amadio after way too many whiskey submarines. However, it was time we deposited those pesky independent race organisers at the curb. Or in the dustbin. Or in Makarov-inspired concrete galoshes.

With great fanfare, I announce the new WorldTour for next year:

The UCI TotalitarianTour™

Yes, in order to ensure total control over all aspects of the cycling world, we have created our own calendar of races, incorporating some elements of the previous WorldTour, but eliminating those components which have failed to cooperate with us. Our lawyers in Switzerland are also filing injunctions against certain Grand Tours in order to ensure full attention is paid to our newest gimmick.

Where are these races for 2013? Here is the list:

Tour of Qatar

Tour of Oman

GP de Saudi Arabia

Tour of Yemen

Tour of Pakistan

Golan Criterium International

Гранд Тур Макарова России (tour covers Sochi, Volgograd, Saratov, Voronezh, Moscow, and finishes with a circuit  around the Kremlin)

Tour d’Algerie

Circuit d’Alger

Tour of Eritrea

Minsk – Homyel – Minsk

GP de Moldova

Amgen Tour of California

Grand Tour de Central America

Vuelta de Venezuela

Jakarta Speed Week

Tour de Timor

KoM Giro de Himalayas au Tibet

Tour of Beijing

Tour of Hangzhou

Tour de Tehran

Azerbaijan Cup

The series features a mixed bag of mountains, sprints, and classic-style cobble races in some of the world’s most picturesque areas. I am especially excited over our four new “Grand Tours” in the form of  Tour de Pakistan, Vuelta Venezuela, Гранд Тур Макарова России, and the KoM Giro de Himalayas au Tibet. A special arrangement has been made to pave part of the Himalayas in order to facilitate a smoother route for the TotalitarianTour™ participants. This has been done via generous donations from the government of China to the government of Nepal, and the contributions from the Chinese construction industry. The technology available from the Chinese means that part of Everest will be scalable via vehicle, with a path straight in Tibet.

Our Amgen partners for the Tour of California are disappointed with our decision not to expand their race, but, we still require the U.S. government to take several more steps prior to receiving full TotalitarianTour™ status. We’ve asked for more random disappearances of American political dissidents – Michael Moore, Naomi Wolf, and Dan Wuori in particular – before considering a full Grand Tour status.

I would love to gloat over just how much revenue we will be generating from this venture, but as Global Cycling Promotion SA is a privately-held corporation with five shareholders, we are not, by law, forced to divulge that information. However, the umbrella organisation that is the UCI will be receiving a handsome stipend, along with a 20 million CHF makeover to our headquarters in Aigle.

I look forward to revealing more of our plans for the tour to the general public, including the mascot for the tour, which incorporates blindfolds, a waterboard, and other such hallmarks of totalitarian regimes.

Onward to “UCI Global Cycling Revenue Domination™” through our totalitarian arm of cycling, Global Cycling Promotion SA.

Sláinte!